the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
