the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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