If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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