Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
