I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Randomize
