He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
