kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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