i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
