i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
