Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
