there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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