she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
