Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
