I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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