My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
