And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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