took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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