how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
