Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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