So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
