she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
