Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize