the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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