new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
