Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
