I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
