it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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