nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
