Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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