so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
