well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
