i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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