oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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