Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
