I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
