My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
