He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
