I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
