i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
