So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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