Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize