Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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