I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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