I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
