i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
