Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
