hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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