I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
