Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
