can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Jerry, you need to find god
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
