thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
