You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the day after is always just damage control
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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