My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize