I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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