I molested 6 butterflies tonight
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
