and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
