On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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