Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
