thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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