That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
