Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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